Why are we talking about talking?

The quick answer to the title question is:

Because speech is still the most powerful conflict management tool we have.  If you don’t believe me, just look at all the trade talks going on around the world! Ok, so you may not see the negotiations between the UK and India as ‘conflict management’ – but any deal has to accommodate conflicting interests – and the discussions between the UK and US – and definitely those between the US and China – are very much about trying to resolve the resolvable and manage the manageable.

Last week’s pod was all about prejudice, the potential result – discrimination – and the antidote to both, empathy.  This week’s topic is closely related to all three.  I talk about it with Prof. Sophie Scott from the Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience at University College, London.

The first speech-related conflict a lot of us face is between ourselves and our own voices!  Yes, it’s often said that someone ‘loves the sound of their own voice’ – but it’s rarely true!  In fact, some people hate how they sound so much, they’re terrified of speaking in front of even a small group of people!

Once upon a time, not so long ago (in the great scheme of things), that was me – yes, I know it’s hard to believe – now you can’t shut me up!; but less than thirty years ago, I was absolutely petrified of ‘public speaking’.  No, we’re not talking about hundreds, or even tens, of people.  An audience of two was more than enough to turn my legs to jelly!

When I started my law degree (in 1997 – as a mature student – allegedly!), it wasn’t long before I had to face my fear.  I put a lot of work into preparing my first presentation, in front of two lecturers; but the only comment they came back with on the day was:

‘That was probably really good – if we could have understood a word of it …’

After all the painstaking research and careful planning,  I’d gabbled through my allotted ten minutes in five!  It soon became clear I’d have to face the problem head-on.

In my second year, a solution presented itself:

I wanted to study negotiation, but that was only half a module … the other half was advocacy.  So I bit the bullet and signed up. 

Two days later, I got cold feet and tried to switch to something else – but it was too late.  Everybody’s choices were locked in, so I had to go through with it.

I was really nervous when I walked into the first tutorial – until our tutor, David, leapt up on his desk and said:

‘Imagine I’m a Martian!’

I was beginning to wonder if this crazy man really was from outer space, when he explained – he wanted us to define ‘negotiation’ and ‘advocacy’ in terms simple enough for an alien from another planet to understand.

That turned out to be relatively sane, compared with our first advocacy assignment.

‘What I want you to do,’ said David (sitting on a chair like a native Earthling this time), ‘is to prepare a plea in mitigation – on behalf of your favourite nursery rhyme character’.

We had to imagine our client had just been convicted of a crime.  So our next job for them was to convince the judge to hand down a lenient sentence.  At first, I was stumped – but as a natural mad creative, I did manage to come up with an idea:

In my scenario, my client was Little Bo-Peep, who had just been convicted of insurance fraud.  She’d claimed for lost sheep which she, in fact, had hidden.  The mitigation here, I decided, was that her husband had left her with a farm to run and six children to raise and the poor girl was desperate!  Being of ‘previously excellent character’ and having all this responsibility on her shoulders alone, I asked the judge (David) not to send her to prison.

And I did that with a straight face.  Even now, I’m not sure how – but I do know I was so focused on delivering this bizarre speech without laughing - I forgot to be scared. 

Only when I finished did it hit me: I hadn’t gabbled; I hadn’t mangled my words – and I hadn’t felt like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights! 

Surviving one presentation without wanting to run away gave me confidence for the next – and the next - until it began to feel natural.

Since then, speaking has become an integral part of my job – from talking to judges in chambers, to platform presentations – via podcasting and broadcasting.

Getting comfortable with your own voice opens up all sorts of communication opportunities which can help you with conflict management – and prevention, including:

·         Showing empathy in one-to-one conversations;

·         Talking to your team about difficult issues – like change; and

·         PR – via podcast or broadcast;;

If any (or all) of those things make you wobble – even slightly! – here are some tips:

1  There’s no shame In fear:

One of the biggest hurdles we have to get over when we want to deal with a fear is admitting it – even to ourselves.  It’s hard for any adult to say ‘I’m frightened’ – and it’s especially hard if you’re in a leadership role; but fear isn’t a weakness.  It’s a survival mechanism – an intelligent alarm system.  The only problem with that is that one bad experience can cause it to become over-sensitive – so it goes off every time we’re in a similar situation – which reinforces it for next time – and so on.

2  Find out what set your alarm off in the first place:

The worst fears are those we don’t understand.  Breaking the cycle starts with finding out what initiated it.  Working out what caused me to lose my voice just before my teens helped me find it again in my thirties. 

Unpacking your fear or discomfort might not be easy; but I can tell you – from more than one experience – it’s so liberating!

3  Change your perspective:

Like any other perception, how you perceive your own voice or speaking style starts with where you’re ‘looking’ from – so if you can change your viewpoint, you’ll change what you ‘see’.  I thin of it as changing the camera angle.

I realized I was observing myself from the perspective of a pre-teen, trying too hard to fit in at a new school.  Once I was able to move from looking through the eyes of that kid, to looking at the situation as a professional woman, with the potential to help people through speaking, the whole image changed.

4  Don’t lose your voice:

If you feel you need training of some kind, to become more comfortable with any element of your speech, that’s absolutely fine – but keep it natural.  I grew up changing my accent, to fit in.  At boarding school, my ‘estuary vowels’ were too ‘common’– and at home, my ‘posh voice’ was laughed at!  So I learnt to switch between the two.  In fact, I became so good at it, I ended up not knowing what my ‘real voice’ sounded like. 

These days, I have to listen back to recordings (when I make pods etc)– and still sometimes wish I couldn’t hear quite so much South-East Essex!; but that’s where I’m from – it’s part of who I am.  Eradicating it from my speech would be like rubbing out a huge chunk of my history.  So over all, I’m fine with it.

5  Confidence is infectious:

In the end, when you know what you’re talking about – and especially if you care about it, your audience (of one – or thousands) will feel confident and comfortable listening to you.  I often think of it like being a passenger in a car.  If you sit next to a nervous driver, you feel nervous – well, I do; but if the person in control of the car looks like they know what they’re doing, I sit back and enjoy the ride – whether it’s a steady drive in the country - or a wild off-road experience!

Before Little Bo-peep, just thinking about talking to more than one person genuinely made me feel ill!  If that quivering wreck could get through the barrier, anybody can. 

If you need any help with speaking, or with any other aspect of conflict management at work, come and talk to me!  All my contact details are on the website:

http://www.savvybusinessresolutions.com