How are you Listening?
- paul08129
- Jun 25, 2025
- 4 min read
This is the first in a series of posts on mediation skills for managers. I’m leading with listening, as I did on the first series of the ‘Investing in Conversation’ pod –
My guest on that show (sound expert, Julian Treasure), quoted the late Hyram Smith (of the Covey organization) as saying listening is:
‘the most important skill for any manager’.
Julian calls it:
‘The gateway to understanding’ –
which (as I said at the time) makes it the most important skill for any manager who has to deal with conflict (just about all of us, at some point).
Misunderstanding is at the root of so many interpersonal issues (at work and elsewhere); but you can’t always dig it out just using a shovel! Fortunately, ‘listening’ isn’t a single tool – it’s a whole kit. So for this week’s tips, I’ll open the box and show you the most effective combination:
1 Make sure you’re ‘conscious’:
‘Consciousness’ is the first of ‘The 4 Cs of Effective Listening’, which Julian outlined on the pod.
There is a role for ‘unconscious listening’ in our lives – and it’s an important one. It’s a 24/7 security system. Even when we’re asleep, our brains monitor the environment, looking for patterns - and anomalies which might represent a threat. If you’ve ever been unaware of a background sound until it stopped, that’s unconscious listening.
‘Conscious’ listening, on the other hand, is about being fully aware and engaged with whatever you’re listening to – absolutely essential when you’re trying to facilitate a conversation between two (or more) disputing parties! Communication is the first casualty of conflict – but it’s also the first step towards resolution. When people aren’t listening to each other, they need someone else to take the lead and listen to everyone.
2 Commit to getting active:
The second of Julian’s ‘4 Cs’ is ‘Commitment’. That starts with your decision to invest your time and attention in listening to someone - and ‘active listening’ is how you demonstrate that commitment.
It’s opposite, ‘passive listening’ has a place. There may be times when you do just need to sit still and quietly, while someone talks; but generally, in conflict situations, people need feedback – encouragement to open up.
When I studied law, Training in the use of this tool focused on signals – sounds, gestures and body language. Those are all great – provided you really are paying attention!
Anyone can lean in, nod a lot and say, ‘Hmm’, ‘Yes’, ‘I see’ and ‘I understand’ – but it’s meaningless if their mind is actually elsewhere. That’s obvious to most of us, isn’t it?; but I still come across people who go through the motions and make all the right noises – while planning their next comment – or, worse!, what they’re having for dinner!
I recently saw listening described as a ‘silent superpower’. I like that – but genuine active listening isn’t completely silent – because every now and then, you need to check you’ve heard – and understood – correctly.
Julian recommends ‘PAVE’ – which begins with paraphrasing.
As well as ironing out any misunderstandings quickly, reflecting back to the speaker what you think they said:
· Lets them know that what they’re saying is important and
· Keeps you fully engaged.
3 Don’t be afraid to zoom out:
That’s ‘zoom’ – not ‘zone’!
To get the full picture of a problem, you need both:
· ‘expansive’ and
· ‘reductive’ listening.
I often talk about attention as different types of lighting; but you can also think about it as a camera. Another of Julian’s ‘4 Cs’ is ‘curiosity’. That is often going to compel you to zoom out, to gather information which you (and even the parties to the dispute) might not immediately think is relevant, but which could end up giving everyone the key to a solution. That key might lie in the context – because context shapes the content, of:
· disputes/conflicts,
· management strategies and
· resolutions.
4 Sometimes you just need to dive in:
The final ‘C’ in Julian’s set is ‘Compassion’. For this, you need:
· deep’, rather than
· shallow listening.
You have to dive below the words, the tone of voice – even, in some cases, the body language – to the emotions underlying all those things. Facilitating a mediated settlement is so often about moving people from defending their rights, to acknowledging their own – and then each other’s – needs. You can’t do that without compassion – and you can’t develop true compassion without listening deeply.
5 Listen Without Prejudice:
I hope the late George Michael wouldn’t mind my borrowing his album title! It captures perfectly the aspect of listening in this context which I think is the trickiest to master. It certainly was for me.
As a practicing lawyer, it was my job to be partisan. Yes, I had to be able to listen to the arguments of ‘the other side’, but only so that I could home in on anything which might benefit, or threaten, my client. I was listening to evaluate – which, in that environment, was fine.
When I trained in mediation, I had to learn to listen purely to understand. In that role, I need to see multiple perspectives equally – without thinking about who I agree or disagree with – or even who has the stronger case.
I know that’s a real challenge for any manager trying to mediate within their own organisation. It’s something an independent third party always has to be mindful of – and where there are existing allegiances, it’s even more important – and even more challenging! .
I’ll come back to neutrality next time.
For now, if you need help with any aspect of conflict management at work – including mediation – come and talk to me! All my details are on the website:
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