'Are You With Me? The Role of Empathy in Mediation'

As with all the posts in this short series on ‘Mediation Skills for Managers’, I need to start with a quick clarification:

Formal mediation is a carefully structured, tried and tested process.  If you have a situation where that is needed – particularly if communication between the parties has broken down, please consult an accredited practitioner.  I’m writing these articles to help you with more general dispute resolution and conflict management situations. 

‘What’s the difference?’ 

I’ve answered that question elsewhere– but it can always stand repetition!  So, in mediation terms:

·         ‘Dispute resolution’ is about specific issues and

·         ‘Conflict management’ refers to dealing with deeper divisions.

For example, if you’re in dispute with a member of staff, or a customer, over a contractual term, mediation can help you find a mutually workable solution.  If you have incompatible values, neither of you is likely to change fundamentally.  So the conflict needs to be managed.

  All that said, this week’s topic helps with both.  We touched on empathy on two episodes of the last ‘Investing in Conversation’ podcast:

·         5 ‘Is the F-Word Good for Business?’ and

·         9 ‘What’s the Bottom Line on Emotional Intelligence?’

https://media.rss.com/investing-in-conversation-conflict-management-for-managers/feed.xml

 Here, I want to explain how it helps a mediator in relation to the skills I’ve talked about in the last three posts:

·         Listening,

·         Staying neutral and

·         Asking questions.

Emotional intelligence in general and empathy in particular are shrouded in misunderstanding.  So  I’ll start this week’s tips by busting a couple of myths:

1  You can’t empathise with ‘those poor people!’:

It’s impossible to empathise with someone you pity.  Those two responses are so often confused; but the truth is, they can’t co-exist.

I’m not talking about compassion.  If you break that down, it means ‘feeling with’, which is the essential ingredient of empathy.  Pity, on the other hand, is feeling ‘at’ someone – from above. 

It flows downhill, distressing the sender and demeaning the recipient. 

2  Don’t be ‘sorry’:

The other term regularly confused with ‘empathy’ is ‘sympathy’.  If ‘pity’ is feeling ‘at’, this is feeling ‘for’.

It tends to be less patronizing – you can ‘sympathise’ with someone you see as an equal; but you still feel ‘sorry’ for them – which can be upsetting for everyone involved!.

3  On some level, it helps if we’re on the same level:

True empathy can’t exist without some form of respect.  Not admiration or reverence.  They cause us to look up. 

No, this is respect of an equal – acknowledgement that their feelings are as:

·         Valid,

·         Real to them and

·         Worthy of consideration

As yours are to you.  When you look at someone in that light, you can take the next step.

4  Perception begins with perspective:

If you’re a regular visitor to this blog, all I’ll say is:  Yes, this again!  If it’s your first time – welcome! – and a warning: I use that last heading a lot!

Looking at a situation from somebody else’s perspective isn’t always empathic, of course.  Business and military leaders regularly put themselves in their competitors’/opponents’ shoes, in order to get the better of them; but building bridges between opposing parties has to begin with you being able to understand:

·         each person’s starting position and

·         what they ‘see’ (perceive in every sense) from where they stand.

The average human is thought to be able to manage five perspectives (including our own) at one time.

5  The on/off switch:

Pity and sympathy are purely emotional responses, which are likely to build barriers.  They create a lot of background ‘noise’ in your head (in the form of assumption and its ancestor – bias).  So you can’t make best use of any of the skills I’ve talked about over the last few posts.

Empathy, on the other hand, is a mix of emotion and cognition, which enables you to feel ‘into’ other people’s situations, without becoming entangled.

The vast majority of us are born with the tools.  ‘As Dr. Graham Music of the Tavistock Centre puts it, we’re ‘soft-wired’ for empathy; but environmental factors turn the skills and abilities on or off.  For instance, a highly collaborative work culture will make the most of everybody’s capacities.  An intensely competitive culture, on the other hand, will cause those capacities to shut down.

Graham explains the essence of empathy in terms of someone getting stuck in a hole:

You’re first instinct may well be to climb down to rescue them; but if you get stuck as well, ‘all we end up with are two distressed people!’  If you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground outside the hole and reach in, you have a better chance of helping them climb out.

When you’re dealing with two parties in dispute (each in their own separate holes), you can’t climb into both at once – but you can reach in, to throw them both a rope, by using empathy to help you:

·         Listen,

·         Maintain neutrality and

·         Ask the right questions – at the right time.

If you need help with any aspect of dispute resolution/conflict management at work – including professional mediation– come and talk to me!  All my details are on the website:

http://www.savvybusinessresolutions.com