Are you asking the right questions?

Are you asking the right questions?

Five Tips on the Art of Enquiry in Mediation:

Formal mediation is a carefully structured, tried and tested process.  If you have a situation where that is needed – particularly if communication between the parties has broken down, please consult an accredited practitioner.  I’m writing this series of ‘Mediation Skills for

Managers’, to help you with more general dispute resolution/conflict management situations.

So to this week’s topic:

The late broadcaster, David Frost once said (and I’m paraphrasing slightly) that questions didn’t matter – it was all about the answers. 

I’ve been fortunate enough to do some broadcast interviews.  In that context, there’s certainl more interest in the response than what prompted it!  Most people don’t need to know how the machine works, as long as it produces what they want – information and entertainment.

As business owners and managers, we don’t have that luxury.  If we have to operate the machine in a dispute/conflict, it’s vital at least to know which buttons to press – and it’s helpful to know why.  So here are five tips to help you gather the information you need:

1  You can’t get much through a closed door:

Across a range of contexts, so many people rely heavily on ‘closed’ questions (inviting ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers).  The attraction is the belief that this approach keeps exchanges short and to the point; and it does, if you’re looking to:

·         Gather specific details – for example:

‘Were you actually there when it happened?’;

·         Confirm facts – for example:

‘It says here, you didn’t actually see anything – is that right?’; or   

·         Check understanding.  For example:

‘Am I right in thinking this as affected you personally?’

Beyond those purposes, it becomes a false economy.  That’s because the exchange can start feeling like an interrogation (putting your questionee on the defensive) or a box-ticking exercise (causing them to switch off).

2  Know when to open the door:

You need to switch to open questioning (starting with ‘What?’, ‘Where?’, ‘Who?’ etc) if you see either of the signs I’ve just mentioned; but it’s better to make the change before you spot defensiveness or boredom. 

When you’re working to resolve a dispute, or manage a deeper conflict, your most valuable assets include trust and rapport – both of which are broken by disengagement.

Broadening the conversation, by asking, for example:

‘What did you understand had happened?’

Invites someone to tell their story.  So you’ll need to invest more time and attention listening to the answers; but it’s likely to be a good investment.  The right open question, for the right purpose, is more efficient – when one answer gives you more than you’d be able to glean from several closed questions.

That said, depending on the context – including:

·         What you need to know and

·         Who you’re asking,

you may need to set parameters, to stop the interaction wandering too far off-track.  For example:

‘If she agrees to the changes we’ve talked about, how would you feel about working together?’

3  Warn me when you’re going to start probing!:

If you’ve ever spent any time with a four-year-old, you know their favourite word – ‘Why?’  It screams ‘curiosity!’ even louder than the word ‘curiosity’ itself.

Being curious is essential in dispute resolution/conflict management situations.  So often, the ‘presenting problem’ is only a symptom.  You have to dig down to find the root cause.

To do that, you have no choice but to follow up some answers with ‘probing’ questions.  Whether they appear to be:

·         open - ‘So how did you feel?’ or

·         Closed– ‘Can you tell me more about that?’

these are sharp implements.  If not handled with care, they can come across as intrusive, offensive – or irrelevant.

Early in my legal career, I learnt the importance of laying the ground for this kind of enquiry, by:

·         warning,

·         explaining and

·         giving choice – for instance:

‘Now, I’m about to ask you something which might be difficult for you.  You don’t have to answer, but it would really help if you can, because …’

Without preparing the ground, a tool designed to open things up and take the conversation to a deeper level tends to have the opposite effect; but provided you’ve established a strong enough rapport and level of trust with your questionee, it should be possible to probe with their cooperation. 

Giving them as much autonomy as possible, over how – and even whether – they answer, is so important.  The vast majority of us will put up with far more discomfort when we feel we have a choice.

4  Avoid leading the conversation away from neutrality:

There’s a popular myth, that lawyers aren’t allowed to ask leading questions in court.  Well, it’s a half-myth – they can’t use them in cross-examination, but it’s perfectly ok for them to lead their own witness.  For instance:

‘You believed what he said, didn’t you?’

Leading questions are built on the assumption that the questioner is going to get the answer they expect.  So they can be useful for:

guiding conversations towards the topics the questioner wants to focus on;

persuading someone to align their expectations with others; or

speeding up decision-making.

On the downside, this kind of questioning can be:

·         Inhibiting,

·         Manipulative and

·         Biased –

making it unsuitable when you need not only to stay neutral, but also to be seen to be staying neutral.  As I said in the last post:

‘Neutrality is … vital from the beginning to the end of any form of facilitated dispute resolution’. 

There’s just one potential exception to the rule against leading questions in facilitative dispute resolution.  For example:

‘What’s happened here has really had an impact on you, hasn’t it?’

That takes the form of leading – I’ve asked it (or questions like it) when the answer has been clear; but I’ve done it – always in a private, one-to-one exchange  (I can’t over-stress the importance of that), to encourage revelation, in a single word or gesture, of something long-hidden.

5  Keep it simple:

Whichever form of questioning you’re using – and wherever you’re using it, the single most important tip I can give you is:

Ask one at a time.

It’s so easy to bundle multiple questions together – or to ask the same question in two or three different ways.  For instance:

‘So how did you feel?  Did it impact you personally?  I bet it was really tough, wasn’t it?’

There’s a lot of good intention in those three enquiries (one open and two closed).  In particular, the questioner is keen to make themselves clear and show empathy.  The trouble is, multiple questions can be:

·         confusing,

·         distracting – and even

·         overwhelming.

This sort of issue tends to crop up when you’re working on the hoof –asking something, then realizing you didn’t quite phrase it as well as you could – then realizing it’s potentially difficult for the person on the receiving end!  That’s perfectly natural – especially in an emotionally charged situation. 

If you fall into the multi-question trap (as I have – and, occasionally, still do!), you can always reverse out, consolidate your thoughts and try again.  If you try to style it out, you may well end up losing face – and the connection with your questionee; but going back and having another go will keep the rapport intact.  In fact, it may even make it stronger, because it shows empathy.

If you need help with any aspect of dispute resolution/conflict management at work – including questioning skills – come and talk to me!  All my details are on the website:

http://www.savvybusinessresolutions.com